Catch & Release Movie Spoiler

I got this movie a week or so ago. And I've watched it a couple times since then. It's a good story. Kinda heartbreaking at points. When her former soon to be mother in law asks for her engagement ring back. And the look on her face when she realizes that she's making out with her former fiancee's best friend like a week or less after his funeral.

The scenery is gorgeous, too. I love the scenes at the lake or river... whatever it was.

The kid was cute. And Kevin Smith did a bang-up job as Sam. I confess, I like Kevin Smith. I like his movies. And this was really the first thing that I've seen him really act in. Silent Bob is ok, but he's well, silent. Any way, Kevin did well with his blend of humor yet depression over the loss of his friend.

Music

Why is it the minute I try to get some music recorded my nose clogs up? Now I sound all nasal & it really isn't a good sound for me. Makes me sound... well... off. Not sure if I'm sharp or flat since the nose being clogged clogs my ears, too. Oh what I wouldn't give to be able to take a decongestant.

Anyway, so I guess recording will have to wait until I am over my little cold. I can still write though. So, I guess that's what's on the agenda for tomorrow. Work on writing a new song. Why not? I haven't written in a while. And I have watched every youtube & google video that interests me about a million times. Let's just say I can quote Broadway shows that I have never been to. Very nice recordings btw :)

How in the hell?

did I fall down the fucking stairs?? I can & frequently do walk down those same stairs in 3 1/2 inch heels carrying a newborn & a cup of coffee with no one getting hurt. How can I fall down them carrying nothing and in nothing but socks???

I suppose it's just a matter of statistics but it does make me wonder. Anyone able to explain this?

Yet Another Reminder

that socks and hardwood floors don't mix. Especially hardwood stairs. Yep, you guessed it. I fell down my front stairs this morning after my socks slipped. Amazingly, my ass is fine. My left arm is a different story but nothing big. A scrape from hell and a gigantic bruise on my inner forearm and elbow and a bruise on my have that makes me look like a prize fighter. Lovely considering I am a 5'5" female and NOT a prize fighter.

Hey that's better than the last time I fell down them. Last time, I hurt my butt so bad I couldn't sit comfortably for over a year.

Before you think there's a pattern here, a) my husband was no where around either time, b) no one pushed me either, c) I am normally not that clumsy.

The last time my shoes were slick because of rain. This time my socks were slippery. OK, OK, I admit it, I'm a clutz. But, hey all things considered, I am not doing to bad. I have fallen down the stairs only twice in two years. And only 4 times in my entire life.

Just don't put me on roller skates and expect miracles.

Upon further examination, this scrape is gonna look like the scrapes my kids get when they fall off their skateboards & bikes once it scabs over. Great. I'm gonna look like I'm 12 again. Insert groan here.

Joey

My beloved brother and I have been very close from the day I was born. He is my guardian, my protector, my big brother.

In our first picture together, he can be seen supporting me and keeping me from falling over.

Our birthdays are within a week of each other. If mine is on Monday, his is the following Monday. We even shared a birthday cake for years.

We were never far apart for the first six years of my life. Then, he went to live with his mom and sister, Tina, for a while. Even though we were separated physically, we were never far from each others thoughts. He came back for a bit when I was twelve, and we made a trip to Louisiana to visit our other sister, Cindy, and her family that summer.

But, by that time, he was an adult and he had to live his own life. So about a year later, he went to help Tina through her divorce and we were separated again. We kept in touch and he made frequent trips back to see me.

As time passed, I grew up and got married and started a family of my own. Then, in 1999, just three days after my birthday, our grandmother passed away. Our family made the long trip back to Georgia for the funeral and then drove even further to pick up Joey so that he could attend. Her funeral was held on his birthday. We were together again, but neither of us felt like celebrating.

He's an outdoorsman and a singer. He loves animals and is rarely without his dog, Tasha. My memories are full of him and the times we have had together.

We have spent our last five birthdays together. I will cherish the memories of these for the rest of my life. He has spent a month or two with us every year after Grandmom died.

My brother, Joey, would have turned thirty-six last month. Unfortunately, he never made his thirty-fourth. Joey was thirty-three when he was killed by a drunk.

I will miss him forever and I still feel his loss on a daily basis. He left behind a mother and father, a step-mother and step-father, three half-sisters, and several step-siblings as well. He left more than 15 nieces and nephews, three of which he never got to meet.

He also left behind a hard life, though, including many surgeries just to allow him to walk. He lived a life full of pain yet never complained.

Joey left us all behind yet he took our hearts with him.

My only regret: I never got to say good-bye.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-W. E. Henley

RENThead & the real world (not the TV show duh!)

I am a RENThead, albeit a recent one. I love the movie & musical even though I have only seen bootleg videos of it. I wish the tour would come here but I'm afraid that a couple things might happen: a) I'd have to try to explain it to the blue-haired old ladies sitting near me & b) they'd have a heart attack once I did. Which would lead to c) the whole freaking town freaking out about the show.

Hello people! Welcome to the real world where women like women, men like men, and people actually do get addicted to drugs and get STD's. This is still a backwater town even if they do have a number of universities and colleges. Yet, the number of teenagers here with STD's is astronomical. And five bucks says their parents are at a loss cause their precious innocent children couldn't possibly be having sex, right? Educate your children people. They need to know the real deal, not the fairy tale land where no one gets pregnant or AIDS no matter how much they do or do not sleep around. Sorry for getting off on a rant here but it really is important.

Spring Quarter is over

Yep that's right. Spring quarter which seemed to drag on interminably is over. The summer quarter won't start until June 6th. What's a person to do with so much free time???

Me? Oh I have plans. Starting with beginning an exercise plan. Something about surfing the web and seeing so many pictures of gorgeous (read air-brushed) celebrities just makes me want to go for a jog.

And then I remember. The last time I ran anywhere was to keep my toddler from running into traffic. The last time I ran for any amount of time at all was 14 years ago. Who am I kidding? I am in no condition to run, not even psychologically.

Ok, back to square one. What do I do first? I suppose the logical first step is to start walking. But even that is a bit of a difficulty considering I have a 3 year old and a 1 month old and a single stroller. Ever tried to take a brisk walk with a 3 year old? You aren't brisk for long.

There has to be something. Jumping rope? Hmm... maybe... but with my coordination? I wonder how I'll look with a broken nose & 2 black eyes after trying to jump rope around said children, 2 dogs and a cat?

Biking? Nope... no bike or trailer for the kids. And no I don't have a stationary bike or treadmill available. That leaves me with maybe one option. Wanna take a guess?

Yep, dance. I took dance lessons for years from Ms. Pauline. Shouldn't be too hard right? We shall see. After all anything is possible. I finally am growing my fingernails for the first time in my life after years of biting them.

So I am ready to give this a shot. I've got my nice stretchy (read comfy) yoga pants & a tank top on. Oh, another drawback. No tennis shoes. The St. Bernard ate them when she was going through her puppy-chewing-on-shoes phase. What to do? Well, I guess for now, my socks will have to do.

Note to self: Buy new tennis shoes.

Note to self: Socks and hard wood floors do not work well together.

Note to self: Buy new ice pack.

Death

I don’t know what is worse: watching someone slowly dying and know there’s nothing you can do, losing a loved one suddenly, or being unable to be there for someone that you know is dying. I have been in the unenviable position of having experienced each of these and yet, I still don’t know.

I lost my grandmother in 1999. She was the one that I knew was dying, yet I couldn’t be there. That was hard because it was the first family member that I had been close to that had passed. What’s worse is I have since found out that I wasn’t as close to her as I had thought. There were so many things that I have found out since that makes me wonder if I ever really knew her at all. And now, eight years later, I still find myself unable to forgive her. I wonder if I ever will. I hope I can, but I am just unable to right now.

I have lost two important people suddenly. When I was about eight, I lost my best friend to a drunk driver. That was really my first experience with death. My father’s mother had died when I was five, but I was left with my maternal grandmother while my parents went to the funeral. The other person that I lost suddenly, was ironically enough, also lost to a drunk…on a horse. That was my brother. His death still hurts. It is still fresh after almost four years. The thought of him can bring me to tears in seconds. I regret that I never got to say goodbye or I love you or tell him how important he was to me.

The last one is always in my mind. It is hard to watch someone you love slowly dying or slowly killing themselves whether it is through inaction or on purpose. Actually, I change my mind; this is the worst way to lose someone. You sit by knowing there’s nothing you can say or do that will change what is happening. No matter how much you want to help them, they have to want to change. So you sit and you wait for the inevitable. And you mourn before the actual death comes. And at some point, you wish that it would all be over with because you find it morbid and stifling to sit and wait for a death that you know is coming. At some point, you pray for it to be over quickly, for your loved one to not suffer any longer.

You can tell whether a death was sudden by the way the main care taker acts at the funeral. If it was sudden, chances are, the grief will be strong and clear. If it was a long, slow death, the grief will not show as much. There may be a sense of relief instead. Relief that the waiting game is over. That is the saddest thing indeed.

Feeling lost

I am feeling completely lost. I know where I am and what I am doing but I still feel lost on a daily basis. I am going to school, yet in the middle of studying I find myself thinking "what's the point?" I had to create a plan of what classes I am going to take when so that I could see my progress and give myself inspiration to even finish an assignment.

I think that part of the problem is that I am taking all my classes at the community college first and then I plan to transfer when I am done with them. So, I am not getting to really take any classes that relate to my major until the Fall of 2008.

Another problem is that I HATE Omaha. I never realized how much until this morning. I feel so isolated here. I have gone long time periods with us only having one car before but it was in areas that had a decent public transportation system. Omaha, to put it mildly, doesn't. The closest bus stop is over a mile away. So in order to go anywhere, I would have to drag my 3 year old & my newborn over a mile there and back.

There's also nothing really interesting to do either. The zoo and museums don't have free days like the ones in Denver do. And when you have limited budget and a few kids, you can't really go any other way. And my idea of fun isn't to go sit at a park all day and watch the kids play.

But this is where the job is for now. So here in the middle of BFE I sit. Isolated. I know I'm not alone literally but when your main conversation partner for weeks is with a 3 year old, it sure as hell feels like it.

Some things are just too good

Have you ever found something that was just too good? I keep finding them. I find movies, music, books, actors, even gestures made by people around me.

I find these things and then I repeat them. I will watch the same movie over and over until I know the movie backwards and forwards. I can out-quote anyone I have ever met on Top Gun and I did that one when I was about eight.

I will read a book that I love repeatedly. (Lord of the Rings, The Green Berets) I read about six books at a time on top of that.

When I find a song I like I will listen to it over and over. Once I know it, I will sing it over and over. I still know songs that I haven't even heard in probably fourteen years. Hell I can sing Elvis Presley songs (thank you Mom) that I used for dance routines when I did beauty pageants. I quit those in 1989.

So am I nuts? Does anyone else do this?

Naive

I have come to the full realization of how naïve and sheltered I actually am. I tried my hand at acting out as a teen. I tried drugs…all of twice. I had sex early. I got pregnant at fifteen. My son was born when I was sixteen. He’s thirteen now. That’s where and when I stopped challenging anything. We got married a little over a month later. I mean I still have my opinions but, well… what good do they do me or anyone else?

I guess that I actually got lucky. I never got addicted to anything that I couldn’t quit and I never caught anything. But have I ever actually experienced life? Yeah, I can tell you all about raising kids and being married. But is that a life?

I want to experience life. I want to see the world. The real world (and no smart ass remarks please, of course I don’t mean the TV show). I want to travel and yet not see the areas like a tourist. I guess I want to move around. I want to find a place that I truly love and want to live.
Unfortunately, for those of us in the real world, this isn’t really possible. You must go where the jobs are. And you usually end up choosing a place you don’t really want to be. Like a city with a really good school system for the kids. Or an area with no sales tax or a low property tax.
Where am I at? I am at the place with the great school system, a pretty good job for my husband that can lead to better things and a pretty good college that I will transfer to at the end of next school year. I am looking forward to that. Maybe I can broaden my horizons through my classes.

I never knew how stupid I actually am. Why didn't someone tell me? The last few years have been a huge wake-up call for me. I never realized that people would be opposed to the U.S. being in the U.N. What clued me in on that? A BUMPER STICKER!! When did I get stupid??

That's just one example. I had never heard of: Susan Sontag, Stephen Sondheim, Allen Ginsberg, Merce Cunningham, John Cage, Lenny Bruce, Uta Hagen, Pablo Neruda, Michelangelo Antoniotti, Bernardo Bertolucci, Akira Kurosawa, Carmina Burana, Vaclav Havel, Federico Fellini...

Where did I get this list? Movies: Rent and Under the Tuscan Sun for this list. The amazing thing is that quite a few of the people on this list are related to the film or theatre industry somehow. My chosen profession? An actor. How in the hell had I never heard of them?

Not only that, I am a voracious reader. Why is it that I had only heard of ten of 81 books on the list of Pulitzer Prize winners? And on top of that not only have I never read any of them, half of the ones I had heard of, I only had heard of as movies... and I haven't even watched the movies!

So in an effort to correct my stupidity (if this is possible) I am now going to attempt to learn about modern politics, learn about the people listed above, watch their movies, read their work, read the books on the Pulitzer Prize list. I am also going to attempt to read the College Board's 101 Great Books for College Bound Readers.

I have actually heard of 52 of them. So much for the good news. I have read 5 of them...All of Shakespeare's that are listed plus Pride and Prejudice. I have seen movies made of 4 of them. And we won't even discuss how many of them I have only heard of because they were mentioned in another movie. (at least 12)

I am not a person who is content not knowing. I mean after all, I actually looked up all those people to find out who they were and why they were important enough to be mentioned. So one of my resolutions for this year is to broaden my horizons.

I will spend my spare time reading, watching classic movies (I noticed I have never watched some of the classic movies either i.e. The Godfather movies, Citizen Kane, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and even Casablanca for heaven's sake), and I am even going to try to try new music (I'd never heard of Musetta's Waltz either!) . Any suggestions for books, movies (but I am not a horror fan please keep this in mind), and music I will gladly accept and add to my list.